Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi
Vendor 1: Madam, thank you for agreeing to see me. I wanted to talk to you about how you can ensure victory in the coming elections.
Madam: Thank you, Pastor, am listening.
Vendor 1: You need to say serious prayers for Oga o! I know you are praying already, but the forces you are up against are very powerful. You need to intensify your efforts.
Madam: What do you want me to do?
Vendor 1: You need to buy a black goat and five baby chickens. We will use them to cleanse away all the bad things they have done against you and your husband.
Madam: But you are a Pastor, what do you need a black goat and chickens for?
Vendor 1: It is true, but sometimes we need to give the devil his due. Once we do the sacrifice, it will pave the way for our prayers to be answered.
Madam: I am confused. You are a man of God but you want to kill a goat and chickens to appease the devil? Jesus Christ has already performed the ultimate sacrifice for us.
Vendor 1:You need to understand. Ko ba le da naa ni (So that everything can be good).
Madam: How much do you need for this?
Vendor 1: N50,000 will be enough.
Madam: I thought God’s grace was free?
Vendor 2: Madam, well done. Please you need to buy salt for us to use for prayers
Madam: I have bags of salt in the kitchen. You can take what you need.
Vendor 2: No, the salt has to be bought with your own money.
Madam: Why? Is it not the same salt?
Vendor 2:No ma. Ko ba le da naa ni.
Vendor 3: Madam, I have just received a message. Oga needs to walk through the town. As he is walking, he needs to say the following, ‘May all my enemies flee before me, may my path be smooth’.
Madam: You know very well Oga will do no such thing. That sounds pretty ridiculous to me.
Vendor 3: You Oyinbo people have come again. Ko ba le da naa ni.
Madam: You know what, can I give you money to do the walk yourself?
Vendor 3: Yes! Yes!
Vendor 4: (Over the phone) Madam, please I need some of Oga’s posters. We need to pray over them.
Madam: Why?
Vendor 4: Our opponents are taking their own posters for prayers.
Madam: How is that your concern? Even if I had some posters, I would not give them to you. So, you are one of those removing Oga’s posters?
Vendor 4: No ma! I was just told by someone who was told by someone who had a dream that we need to pray over Oga’s image.
Madam: Don’t worry, Oga will be fine.
Vendor 4: Please ma, ko ba le da naa ni
Madam: If they catch you taking down any posters, you are on your own.
Vendor 5: Madam, good morning ma.
Madam: Good morning Alhaji. What can I do for you?
Vendor 5: Ma, I have done some consultations and I have been told that we need to buy a black cow for prayers.
Madam: Alhaji, what business do you have with such things? Just a few days ago, a Pastor came asking for a black goat for prayers.
Vendor 5: It is only for prayers ma, to ensure victory.
Madam: Are you not supposed to be saying prayers and Koranic readings, what do you need all these things for?
Vendor 5: Ko ba le da naa ni
Vendor 6: Iya wa, thank you for seeing me, I know you are very busy. I will go straight to the point. I went to an Ifa priest, and he did some divinations. I know you do not believe in such things, but we need to do everything. Ko ba le da naa ni. The Ifa priest said we need to buy some things. I know you will not do it, so just give me the money and I will go and do it for you.
Madam: What did the Ifa priest ask you to get?
Vendor 6: He said you should buy a horse and keep it as a pet in one of your houses.
Madam: A horse? Hmmm. I am sorry, I don’t keep pets. Have you seen any dogs or cats around my house? Even when my son insisted on getting a dog as a pet, it died. I can’t keep a pet. Besides, do you know how much a horse is sold for, and what it would cost to keep one?
Vendor 6: Ehn, perhaps someone can keep it for you, and you only need to send money for its upkeep.
Madam: No. No pets. I will give you money for your transport, but please don’t come back to me with this again.
Vendor 6: Okay ma. Ko ba le da naa ni.
Vendor 7 (Over the phone) Madam, good evening. I am with Pastor Joye here. He has a message for you.
Madam: Please don’t put him on the phone to me. What is the message?
Vendor 7: He said you should wake up at 2am in the morning for special prayers. You need to be naked. You must then wake your husband up and pray for him.
Madam: We pray every morning when we wake up. Why do I need to wake the poor man up at 2am?
Vendor 7: Ko ba le da naa ni
Madam: I am sorry, if I wake my husband up at 2am in the morning, naked, he is going to think that I have either gone mad or I want something else, certainly not prayers. Thank you but no thanks.
Vendors 8, 9 & 10: (In a discussion with Madam): Iya wa, can you please give us 10 pieces of the campaign Ankara. We need to cut out Oga’s photograph from the material to pray over it.
Madam: If you want me to give you campaign Ankara to share amongst yourselves, just say so. Do I look like a fool to you or is it because I have been trying to be polite to you all.
Vendors: Ko ba le da naa ni.
Madam (Later, alone)
O Lord my God, the creator of the universe and all the things that move and are still
I place all my faith in you
I pray for forgiveness of all sins
I pray for your divine mercy
I pray for your divine favour
No goats, cows, horses or images are greater than your divinegrace
I pray for your divine protection over my family
I pray for your will to be done
One last thing O Lord
Please give me the wisdom and the patience to manage all the charlatans who have been besieging me
Thank you, Father, for you alone are worthy to be praised
With you I know that all will surely be good
Gbogbo nkan lo ma daa.
Have a great week.
• Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi is a Gender Specialist, Social Entrepreneur and Writer. She is the Founder of Abovewhispers.com, an online community for women. She can be reached at BAF@abovewhispers.com