From my experience, I believe every columnist’s wife plays some form of inquisitorial role. Out of curiosity, she wants to know what’s on your mind, what you are planning to write about in your next column. That is the way of women. They want to know everything. They want to be sure you won’t write yourself into danger! Every writer will tell you his wife is his first editor, his first gatekeeper, his first guinea pig, his first sounding board.
From faraway London, she called to know what my next column is about and I told her it’s a piece on slapping—A slap in the face! And she burst out laughing! A kind of laughter that gave me the great light that I was hitting on something really hilarious and of public interest.
“You better make it humorous, because people want to laugh,” she advised. “Nigerians want to laugh.”
“But I am no comedian,” I replied.
“Who else is a comedian, if not you?”
Talking of comedians and the hazards of the job, we all saw how at the Oscars, a comedian Chris Rock was given the dirtiest slap of his life on stage which he took so well the way Floyd Mayweather, the undefeated boxing champion takes a blow. A slap that reverberated around the whole world, knocking down the Oscars, hitting newspaper front pages, becoming the main news, becoming the major issue on mainstream TV stations like CNN, BBC, Sky News and other stations all over the world plus the social media that went agog everywhere.
Of course, it was our Lady Bianca Olivia Ojukwu who angrily opened the curtain for the avalanche of slaps that have echoed around the world like a nuclear bomb. I don’t need an encyclopedia or Wikipedia to write an essay on the Art of a good slap. From the Bianca Ojukwu and Will Smith’s dual case studies, a good slap is dirty, travels at lightning speed, moves faster than a camera eye can capture. That is why no photographer was able to record as evidence the hands landing on the cheeks in the two case studies. A well-delivered slap is hot like pepper. Well-delivered, it sparks like electricity. When it lands on your face, you see double, you see stars. You may even see an eclipse, depending on the ferocity. Nothing humiliates like being given a dirty slap in public. It hurts even more when your hands are tied, when you are unable to return the slap back to the sender.
A slap is as old as the Bible. Check I Kings 22:24 and read about how Zedekiah slapped Micaiah on the cheek and said: “When did the Spirit of Yahweh pass from me to speak with you?” In the book of Job 16:10, Job laments the pain and indignity of a slap on his cheek: “They have gaped at me with their mouth. They have slapped me on the cheek with contempt. They have massed themselves against me.”
The Book of Lamentation (3:10) make this prophesy about Jesus: “He will endure being slapped in the face, bringing him public disgrace.” The prophecy came true and was recorded in Matthew 26:7 which reads: “Then they spit in His face and beat Him, others slapped Him.”
The event is confirmed in Mark 14:65 which records: “Then some began to spit on Him, and to beat Him, saying ‘Prophesy!’ The temple police also took Him and slapped Him.
The Book of John 18:22 also agrees that there was police involvement in the arrest in the slapping of Jesus: “When He had said these things, one of the temple police standing by slapped Jesus, saying: ‘Is this the way you answer the high priest?’”
Meaning that from time immemorial the police have been trained in the art of slapping and inflicting pain to the accused.
THE GHANA SLAP
I cannot conclude my “essay” on slapping without taking you to Abuja, to the match of Tuesday when the Black Stars of Ghana slapped 200 million Nigerians on the face by beating us here at home on the away-goal rule and denying us the lifetime opportunity of playing in the next World Cup. This was more than a slap. This was like Putin’s army bombing us the way he has been bombing Ukraine. It’s so sad our country will not be represented among football nations playing and fighting for their nations in Qatar. Our Pillar of Sports in Africa, Chief MKO Abiola in whose name the Abuja Stadium is named would be crying in his grave for Nigeria on the score of missing the World Cup. He would have been shocked by Francis Uzoho’s heartbreaking blunder when the ball slipped under him into the net. Were he to be alive, Abiola would have enriched the Super Eagles if they had won to take us to the World Cup. Such was his legendary generosity.
Oh, what a match! The Ghanaians simply beat us in all aspects of the game: tactically and otherwise. They got the early goal and strategized around it. They wanted to win more than we did. They were hungrier. They were more committed. Our players simply adopted a laissez-faire attitude. No sense of urgency. Coach Eguavoen was lost and confused. He had no Option B. Once his strategy was neutralized, that was the end. We don’t need a coach like this in future.
All this was coming at a time when train robbers were slapping us on the face, robbing, killing, maiming and getting away with it. Like they have always done. Which way Nigeria? Ask the late Sonny Okosun.