‘You can’t get pregnant without my consent’, By Funke Egbemode

Koko:Why would a man accuse a woman of trapping him with pregnancy?

Kaka: Well if the woman decided to get pregnant without the man’s consent…

Koko: Is that even possible? How can a woman get pregnant without her man’s consent? Will she impregnate herself?

Kaka: You know some women are mean. They will just wake you up one day and say they have missed their period.

Koko: If a woman has missed her period, she should tell her man.

Kaka: Not when the man had told her to ensure that her period does not get missing.

Koko: Are you being serious right now? You cannot legislate on a woman’s missing period. We all know there is a process through which a woman’s period gets missing.

Kaka: A good woman should not get pregnant when her man is not ready. If she does, it is a trap.

Koko: Unbelievable. So, it is okay for a man to do the do as many times as he wants in a month, month in month out and expect no result? When he’s not firing blanks?

Kaka: She is his girlfriend, right? It’s part of the deal.

Koko: This deal allows him to drill for 30 days without expecting to find oil or water?

Kaka: Yes now. I can drill non-stop but that does not mean I’m looking for water. Men drill for fun.

Koko: Well, women are not like that. Sometimes they enjoy the dry drilling but a man who drills carelessly continuously will one day find himself in a hole he cannot get out of. You must choose carefully the site of your drilling.

Kaka: I don’t understand. If a woman is willing and the chemistry is right, what else is needed?

Koko: If you are in a relationship with a teenager, both of you most likely want the same thing- endless dry drilling. In other words, you don’t want her to get pregnant and she doesn’t want to get pregnant. Her period will always surface one way or the other. If your drilling partner is an old layer (50 and above or has reached menopause), there is little or no risk. All things being equal, the period will neither mess up the drilling nor lead to pregnancy. However, some men have been known to ruthlessly drill until they turn back the hands of the clock.

Kaka: Yeah, I’ve heard of those late-hour or retirement babies. Women will put you in trouble all the time, whether they are young or old.

Koko: Why do you keep blaming women in this matter? This thing is a joint venture. It is like clapping, you need both hands to do it.

Kaka: This is 2018 for crying out loud! Every smart woman should know how to protect herself against unwanted pregnancy.

Koko: While the man is allowed to put his nozzle in every tank?

Kaka: Well, am I expected to take the daily pill or install IUCD?

Koko: There is condom and abstinence too.

Kaka : Oh, come off it. What kind of evil thought is that?

Koko: Exposed manhood will lead to fatherhood, trust me.

Kaka: It’s still not fair to allow women to get away with trapping us with pregnancy.

Koko: What is unfair is for a man to cultivate his farm, plant corn during the raining season and still express shock when his efforts yield plenty of corn. It’s not just unfair but incredibly foolish.

Kaka: What kind of analogy is that?

Koko: The one that says that whatever a man sows he will reap. If you are allergic to harvest, don’t sow.

Kaka: That is draconian. A man is built to sow.

Koko: And women are built to bring forth unless they are sneaky teens or old layers. But there is a group of women that will almost always end up making a father out of you, with or without your consent.

Kaka: What group is that?

Koko: My pastor calls them mature singles. They are in their late 30s to mid 40s or even older. They are single, successful and have no children. Their hearts have been broken more than a few times. Their biological clocks are ticking so loudly they can hear it in their sleep. They have all the ducks of their lives in a neat row. All except the children and marriage ducks. They are worried about how fast the days are flying them towards menopause. A relationship with a woman in this group will most likely make you a father.

Kaka: Without my consent?

Koko: What do you mean? You gave your consent when you deposited your seeds in her soil.

Kaka: I didn’t tell her to get pregnant.

Koko: You also didn’t withhold your assent.

Kaka: It’s entrapment.

Koko: No, it’s common sense. A woman looking for a child meets a guy who’s bright, good looking and sexy. She picks him as the father of her child or children…

Kaka: Children?

Koko: Yeah, she just might have twins, you know.

Kaka: Without my consent?

Koko: You really should stop using that phrase. You dived into her pool naked, in ecstatic abandonment. Both of you thoroughly enjoyed each other. Both of you said wow, but for different reasons. She knew it was her raining season. You didn’t. That’s how careless men become fathers.

Kaka: See why it’s entrapment? She lured the man into the rain.

Koko: And the man foolishly ran into the rain without umbrella.

Kaka: If any woman traps me like that, I will deny the paternity of the child. I’ll cut both mother and child off.

Koko: The problem is those babies always arrive the labour room armed with their DNA results. If you have a birthmark on your pecker, that’s exactly where the little boy will have his. If I were the mother, I’d make a postcard of the intimate evidence, send it to you, copy your Mum, (who will know what it means) and dare you to order a DNA test.

Kaka: You think this is a joke?

Koko: No, I think men should stop fooling around and blaming women for unplanned pregnancies. They should stop allowing a few minutes of enjoyment deprive them of rational judgment. A female friend once said when a man unzips his trousers, his brains fall out.

Kaka: Nonsense. Is it his brain that is in his pants?

Koko: Some men take leave of their reasoning once they get an erection. They embrace temptation frontally.

Kaka: Well, it is easier to embrace temptation than to resist it.

Koko: This noise of entrapment is only heard when a player has been outplayed. A man who does not want his seeds to be be watered and nurtured should not allow a farmer in need get those seeds in the raining season. A successful woman racing against her biological clock knows how to turn a seed into a tree. Fortunately for her, the seed cannot be taken out as smoothly as it was planted. So, my dear friend, if your seed is growing somewhere, own up, claim your baby. The Yoruba say a man should not get angry when the gods double his blessing.