It is in the traits of every strong man to conceal dejection, endure anguish and not betray emotions in the open no matter how devastating his condition might be. Rather, he would sigh deeply and move on, while a woman would embark on self-pity, express her pains in tears and cry for help. The real man will stay calm, walk away gently, lift his head high and smile, takes his pains in his strides and crash into solitary confinement heavy-hearted. If he finds it difficult to sleep, he may get hold of a bottle or bottles of wines and drink himself to a deep sleep. Rather than externalise his burden or seek help, a typical man would remain introverted, nurse his hurt alone and sometimes shed some hot tears in his lonely enclave until he can feel strong again to mix with the rest of the society.
The overt masculine disposition to loneliness as expressed above are the reasons why it is assumed that men feel less lonely than women whereas, according to a research published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin in March, 2018, women feel less lonely than men. Of the various possible explanations of the gender differences in self-categorised loneliness, most assume that social influence processes play a crucial role. To test this viewpoint, an experiment was conducted. These results support the view that women are more apt to acknowledge their loneliness than men because the negative consequences of admitting loneliness are less for women.
The reasons for these findings are not far-fetched. A report explains that medics in a nation are seeing up to 10 patients a day who are simply lonely – and men are discovered to feel more isolated than women. Men are more at risk of isolation because research shows they make friends less easily than women and they don’t take part in as many social activities or community groups. More than one in 10 men are lonely but would not admit it. “Our conversations with men have suggested that men are less likely to socialise for the sake of socialising and would rather have another reason for going out and meeting other people,” the report stated.
The fact that women are more outspoken about their loneliness has greatly lessened the severity of the emotional condition on them. It is common knowledge that most women hardly can hold back from their friends tormenting conditions they go through. Thereby, suggestions and support are offered which would usher in solution quickly. And because they speak up about their challenges, feelings and cravings, it is assumed that women feel lonely than men which findings have found to be untrue.
‘Loneliness is a complex and multidimensional construct, which is associated with a wide variety of factors. The results on separate gender data confirmed that being in widowhood or not close to one’s partner often lead to a higher risk of loneliness for women, while health problems and infrequent contact with friends increased the feelings of loneliness in men’
Categorizing the sufferers of loneliness in terms of age and gender shows that for those within the age 40 to 59, divorce or separation predicted women becoming lonely than men. Conversely, among those aged 60 to 80, the partner’s death was a stronger predictor of the incidence of loneliness among men than among women.
In a federal medical facility in Lagos, male senior citizens brought into the hospital for having muscular, nervous and bone problems, partial strokes, minor injuries are said to be reluctant to go back home after convalescence. There were complaints that some of the men who are in their late 60s to early 80s are alleged to be making advances at the nurses in the hospital. An investigation was conducted not only to ascertain the allegation but to know the reasons for such behaviour among the grandpas.
The result showed that they prefer to stay back in the hospital because their age mates were available to chat and discuss with. “They bought newspapers daily and discussed politics with robust backgrounds of the first and second republics being eye witnesses to the events. They talked about social life, shared their business and marital experiences either with nostalgia or in regret. Staying with them at such moments was always a pleasure.
“We also discovered that for many months and even years, there were no women available to them for companionship. Some of them are financially okay, their children are doing well in their careers, but most of them are either widowed, separated or divorced. For the few married ones, their wives are either far away abroad or in another place visiting their children or nursing their babies. Their lonely condition was drifting them into depression with attendant old age symptoms like arthritis, high blood pressure, low waist pain, joint pains, injuries sustained from domestic accidents etc.,” a retired nurse from the hospital volunteered the information recently.
Loneliness has been considered as a serious social and public health problem among older people. It is a complex and multidimensional construct, which is associated with a wide variety of factors. The results on separate gender data confirmed that being in widowhood or not close to one’s partner often lead to a higher risk of loneliness for women, while health problems and infrequent contact with friends increased the feelings of loneliness in men.
Avery, A. W (1982) in his paper entitled: Escaping Loneliness in Adolescence: The Case for Androgyny, indicates that loneliness can also be influenced by events and experiences from early childhood to later life. Therefore, childhood or adolescent events and experiences whose impact often result to loneliness include diverse forms of abuse, intimidation, neglect, low self-esteem, parental problems, bullying and emotional trauma etc.
Like I noted in last week’s edition, single women were able to cope with loneliness and anxiety through the mechanism of friendship, socialisation and commercial activities. But the lockdown has brought to the fore the hitherto concealed need for companions. The mixed reactions that trailed last week’s column were many. I was criticized for not presenting a balanced view on the topic. “This is a good write-up but it is one-sided,” a respected public figure called to tell me. Several other readers applauded it but asked for a follow-up especially on how loneliness affect menfolk.
‘Rather than externalise his burden or seek help, a typical man would remain introverted, nurse his hurt alone and sometimes shed some hot tears in his lonely enclave until he can feel strong again to mix with the rest of the society’
Topics treated in this column are generated mostly from the issues I deal with regularly in counseling and through reactions to my writings. Questions arising from knotty or controversial issues from readers and other people do enjoy the attention of this column. Since the lockdown began, there has been increase in calls mostly from women lamenting their lonely condition. That was why the article focused squarely on addressing women’s condition in loneliness. It is interesting to see some of them now subscribed to Hook Up service in search for companions. As earlier stated, men rarely talk! Since the lockdown was announced, only a few men (widowers and separated) have indicated the need for partners while several others are silently bearing their cross of loneliness.
The coronavirus pandemic is a leveler. It has actually proven that all of us are mere mortals after all. There’s absolutely no need for anyone to feel superior to others. All other crimes have suddenly gone on vacation save for the street urchins who are becoming daylight robbers on the streets of Lagos. As the rich also cry during this pandemic either for loss of lives or business investments; and just like the medics do fall sick, men also do have agonising moments of loneliness whose solution is in social interactions with neighbours, friends and in getting companions. Do stay safe.
