Two weeks ago, I read a post on a social media platform that spurred my desire to engage the author. The writer was courageous to write about her ‘mistake’ in the choice of a life partner. She lamented the loss of a better choice in older men that proposed to her one of whom she would have married despite the fear of going into polygamy as second wife. On my request, she offered to share her thought on marrying older men as a good option that assures stability, peace, love and care unlike marriages filled with crisis, infidelity and violence with men of the same age groups. Today, Doyin Ajokeade A. Ilori, contributes this piece as my guest writer. Read on:
Contrary to the opinions of women who have never had the experience of dating older men, or those who are not observant to x-ray the crisis-riddled marriages of couples within the same age bracket as a case study, the older men are much better an option in matrimony especially for younger women. I dare say that older men are wonderful and more tolerant with manifest understanding. This assertion I premise on my personal experience.
The truth is that not all young or single women are wired for men of their age group. (I’m referring to age disparity between one and seven years as age group while older men are those in their mid-50s to 60s). Many, like me, prefer the understanding and maturity of the older men who are able to calmly deal with feminine nuances. It is a statement of fact that men mature with age and they naturally develop patience and tolerance in good measures. Because most of them are married, the likelihood of ending up in polygamy is high. Likewise, widowers, separated and divorced are in sizable number in this category.
I regret marrying a young man. If I knew that things would go awry in my marriage with a man in my age group, I would have opted for an older man who will shower me with loads of understanding, care and pampering with peace of mind. I had that option but I ignored it because I couldn’t imagine myself in polygamy.
By innate endowments, many of us are way mature than men in our age groups and we rarely fit into their pattern of life. I regret marrying a young man. If I knew that things would go awry in my marriage with a man in my age group, I would have opted for an older man who will shower me with loads of understanding, care and pampering with peace of mind. I had that option but I ignored it because I couldn’t imagine myself in polygamy.
The factors that countered polygamy in my decision-making when I wanted to pick a life partner was that my great grandmother, grandmother and mother were all FIRST wives. I therefore concluded that it was the only position a woman should be in matrimony. Any other, I viewed as an intrusion into the homes of other women. Being the first daughter of my parents, I felt I should not deviate from the norm. Today, I regret it.
Retrospectively, older men understood, pampered and tolerated me much more than younger men in relationships. I’m not talking in terms of material or financial benefits but in every key area of life. It was more of who my personality worked with. Their maturity, tolerance and understanding were top-notch. I just couldn’t offend or hurt them. Talk of someone accepting you “as you are” without forceful or subtle attempt to change you.
Candidly, I looked in the direction of younger men only when I decided to settle down into marriage. Kí l’ọmọdé mi mọ? (What does an innocent soul like mine know about men?). I later realised that if you alter your destiny because of ignorance or lack of deep thoughts it will come back to haunt you. Experience of life has taught me to be realistic to myself.
Wherever you find true love, appreciate it, embrace it, live it and enjoy it. Just like you adore a young man when you fall in love, similarly, you won’t care about other men when you truly find love in an older man. No other man will interest you because they are more caring, tolerant and supportive. You’d simply be at home and at peace whenever you are with him.
Some of my friends have roundly disagreed with my preference for older men on the premise of age disparity. Many have asked me to consider the consequences of my thought; such issues like the man aging much faster than me and coupled with the possibility of death while I’m still young. They also mentioned the libido and erectile dysfunction issue as well as prostate health challenges which are very common in older men. Also, the “war” from the senior wife along with her adult children who may not like to accept or accommodate me as part of the family are things they said I failed to factor into my decision-making process.
Sincerely, I did reflect on all these points and I remained truthful to myself in responses to the posers. Aren’t younger men dying now? Don’t younger men have erectile dysfunction? Who are those killing their spouses these days, are they the old or young ones? Let’s be honest for once, how many women in marriage with young men are truly happy or at peace in their unions? How many women can swear that their men’s side chicks are not enjoying their husbands better than them? Is it not better to have a few decades of marital bliss with an older man, than several years of torture and possible divorce at the end of the day?
Polygamy may not be as bad as someone like me had thought in my dating years as a woman. The basic things we desire in relationships with our partners are love, happiness, peace, care, and comradeship. This idea of polygamy may not work for everyone, but for those who have empathy, contentment and most importantly, those who believe that one’s marital destiny is determined by fate may likely enjoy it if they give it a trial. The twin evils to avoid in polygamy are jealousy and rivalry; they are endemic traits you must consciously eschew.
And when you go into it, please go with a clean heart. Go into it with a view to love and respect your senior co-wife and her children as you require patience and contentment in the union. My belief is that as a second wife, you come on board to complement the senior wife. I can only hope that the husband will be a man in firm control of his home.
In conclusion, don’t marry purposely for money or affluence; go into relationship with genuine love for the man. He would protect and provide for your needs but he also expects affection, attention and respect from you. You should give him peace of mind, and not be a catalyst of stress in the home. Believe me, that’s my take on the brighter side of life with older men.
