One common pollutant of good, healthy and promising relationship or marriage is uncouth manner of handling issues in disputes. It is given that partners would quarrel but the manner of handling disagreements is pivotal to the maturity, understanding and mutual trust existing between the couple involved.
Quite a number of homes or relationships have scattered on the altar of pride, insubordination, lack of mutual respect, bad temperament, assault, verbal abuse, taunting each other by comparing with other people, living to please outsiders or making other people their standard of who a good wife or responsible husband should be. And the most endemic but unnoticed destructive attitude that often put a wedge in-between warring couples is the making of unsavoury references to the past misdeeds or offences of the past. Such attitude do always refresh rather than heal the hurtful experience of the offended spouses.
A senior banker is considering quitting his marriage. No thanks to his wife whose ‘memory card’ which contains many of his past indulgences right from his boyhood to adulthood. She often use these experiences against him each time they clash over minor or major issues. His school days indulgences that he shared with his wife in relaxed moods have become tools of torment at her disposal to taunt him.
“I dislike infidelity let alone polygamy. I found myself spending more time outside because of what my wife has turned our home into. Whenever we have arguments, she would remind me of how I used to bed wet as a baby, how I stole meats from my mother’s pot and feigned innocence, how she read my chats with my “numerous girlfriends” most of who are actually my co-staff at work. Every previous relationship I had and nasty thing I ever did even as a boy will be recited to taunt me. I detest her provocative utterances. Rather than raise my fingers against her, I choose to stay outside to allow for a breather,” he said.
I used to have a neighbour who always weep whenever her husband verbally abused her. He would recount how he picked her after she was thrown out by her ex-boyfriend who jilted her after several months of ‘trial marriage.’ She got molested to the extent that almost everyone knew many things about her past. As an orphan, she decided to commit suicide but thank God for a fatherly landlord who intervened in her case.
Repeated reminder of past misdeeds poses a grave danger and threat to the survival of relationships and family life. It breeds pain rather than succour. It provokes instead of assuaging hurtful feelings. It widens the gap of communication between the quarreling partners. It deepens animosity, extends mutual hatred and spews baleful utterances leading to inflamed temper. More often than not, altercations arising from such tensed atmosphere do resort to physical combats.
There are scriptural verses that could help partners tame their utterances and responses in moments of anger. Also, avoiding provocative or daring responses is a feasible way to evading acrimony. Walking away from the scene or declining engagement in combative exchange of verbal assaults is helpful. Keeping silent while your partner is raging is the most effective way to diffuse tension at home. Above all, making sure you swallow your pride or subdue your anger at bedtime by allowing intimacy over the night will substantially settle the issue.
I’m aware that some hot argument or provocation could kill romantic urges. In fact, some short tempered partners may choose to sleep separately or give wide gap to each other by demarcating their space with pillows in bed. Asking for amicable resolution of the issue after altercations whether you are right or wrong does not mean you are weak! It is a grand manifestation of maturity. It shows you are stronger. It proves you value your partner and the relationship beyond the issue in contention. As a believer, obedience to the Word that says you should not “give room for the devil” by ensuring quick reconciliation with your partner is one sure way of shutting out Mr. Devil out your affairs.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not enough to ensure lasting peace in the home or relationship until the nauseating attitude of making references to the past offences are dealt with. This silent malignant trait is often being ignored and assumed it’s a norm in moments of anger. It has sent a number of people into depression, rejection and even suicide.
Men with caustic tongues and penchant for pettiness are in contest with their wives in exhuming past, buried offences whenever they have disagreements. The implication is that animosity and bitterness are deep-rooted in their hearts. Their memories are congested with hateful, quarrelsome thoughts and combative incidents. Quite a number of good couples are now living apart as single parents owning to unbearable incidence of repeated reminder of their past which refreshes their hurts.
It is advisable for couples to avoid repeated references to the past mistakes and misdeeds. Love, the Word says, covers multitude of iniquity. Let’s cultivate the habit of peaceful responses in moments of disputes, altercation and anger. Peace!
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