After You Say ‘I Do’, By Michael Awe

Michael West

What happens if, as a man, after you had proposed or as a woman, after accepting a marriage proposal you saunter into somebody that is the exact description of your dream life partner? What will you do? Perhaps it happens after your wedding, how will you feel about it? Before you respond, read these true-life stories:

Recently, a Pastor sought my intervention in a family squabble between a man and his wife. The wife is a member of his church while the husband, I was told, do show up occasionally or whenever there’s any special program. After listening to both parties, I asked the man a couple of questions; his answers provided the pointer to the root of their conflict. Further probing questions eventually revealed the reason why the man was feeling like the eight-month-old marriage was ‘hasty’ and actually a ‘mistake’ on his part. He was ‘no longer interested in the marriage’ for reasons best known to him alone. It took expertise to make him open up to me; by this time, I had excused the wife to allow a ‘man-to-man talk’. You care to know his reason? Please read on:

There’s a lady in his place of work who is the exact description of his kind of a woman. She was employed into the company after she lost her job at a new generation bank in the wake economic downturn early in 2016. Interestingly, the lady in question, still unmarried, found a friend in him as they relate freely, warmly and seamlessly. The friendship became highly treasured to him that he can’t wish it away; more so, he had dreamt of a lady that has a striking semblance to her a few years back. The wife later confirmed that he had told her about the dream before they married. He decided to marry after waiting and scouting for two extra years without seeing any woman that came close to his desire. His wife was his ‘Option B.’ Therefore, when the ‘real woman’ appeared, regardless what the consequences of his action might be, he wanted to quit his marriage!

A lady had accepted marriage proposal from her fiancé shortly before she went for her national youth service. At the orientation camp, she met a handsome, fair guy on whom she instantly had a crush! She was ready to throw off her engagement ring if this Adonis could look in her direction. Apart from his physical appearance matching the desired look of her dream man, the guy was a law graduate while she read accounting. Interestingly, she had made her fiancé promise that he would read law after they are married even if it is on part-time because she had wanted her husband to be a lawyer.

What finally sealed her conviction while on a date with her crush was when he asked if she will like to live overseas because he’s a British citizen by birth and his parents and siblings live in the United Kingdom but he has chosen to stay and practice in Canada afterwards. Meanwhile, a two-year plan with her fiancé was already in place as she had hoped the two years savings would be enough to make them relocate abroad after wedding. Yours sincerely, that was the beginning of a dramatic break-up that got both families rattled.

Several people have tall dreams about the look, profession, nativity, age, complexion, religion, social status and academic background of who their would-be spouses should be. There are those who decide based on dress sense, eloquence of speech, dancing skill, culinary ability, proficiency in the bedroom games and spiritual fervency. Somehow, people make their choices but the interests of their partners do not count when their preferred choices emerge even when it’s practically too late.

Are you having a similar experience or challenge at the moment or you know anyone passing through unexplained issues in his/her relationship? In my findings through personal encounters with such folks, there are symptoms that are manifest in the conducts of people having divided interests or shifted attention in their relationships:

  • The first symptom is that the disgruntled partner becomes intemperate. He/she will complain about everything, every time and everywhere.
  • Two, the partner will become unduly hostile, easily provoked, ready to magnify simple or joking matter to a serious issue. They become frenetic about every issue be it minor or major.
  • Three, the ‘unhappy’ partner will often threaten to quit the relationship/marriage or abandon the home by blaming the spouse for everything including cockroaches or lizards found in the vicinity.
  • Four, the irked partner will be staying late outside more than necessary. Traffic, heaps of urgent jobs at work, break down of the vehicle on the way home are common excuses at the beginning.
  • Five, the partner will begin to skip meals, especially dinner many times a month by giving tiredness or because he/she had a lunch at work as an excuse for loss of appetite.
  • Six, the partner will always express regret over the marriage at every point of minor argument.
  • Seven, the about-to-quit partner will no longer appreciate his/her spouse; rather, will choose to compare the spouse with some other ‘angelic or faultless’ spouses out there in a provoking manner.
  • Lastly, the partner won’t like to welcome a third party or family intervention or peace meeting from any quarters until the situation is way beyond easy resolution.

Let me assure that a confused situation like meeting a preferred choice after you say “I do” is not beyond remedy. Through counseling, frank talks, family intervention and prayers sanity would prevail. However, sometimes it is better to allow the disgruntled partner to quit. Otherwise, apart from making the home hellish for the spouse where neglect, malice, provocation, abuse and assaults will reign, if care is not taken, the emotional storm might result to an unpredictable end.



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